Can Marriage Heal Your Greatest Pain?

Have you ever stepped on a Lego?

Barefoot?

In the dark?

On your way to bed? 

OUCH!

IT HURTS SO MUCH! I usually scream and fall to the floor, holding my foot in my hand (maybe a bit of an overreaction, but still, it is painful).

Pain is a part of life. In the movie Princess Bride, there is a great line, “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.” And truthfully, life can seem full of pain, and most often, we do what humans naturally do.

WE AVOID THE HECK OUT OF PAIN! 

But what if we could face the painful past we avoid? 

What if we could turn our greatest pain into our greatest progress? 

What if the very thing we thought would keep us from connecting is ACTUALLY a direct pathway to deep connection? 

Guess what? The good news, and maybe not so good news, is that PAIN IS OUR PATHWAY TO DEEP CONNECTION! 

So you are telling me I have to face my pain? Yes. Yes, I am. 

But you don’t have to face it alone. 

Marriage unveils our deepest pain to help us heal. Past hurts are naturally revealed in the course of emotional intimacy. Any of our unresolved hurt, pain, or fear from the past can come back to us like a flood of emotion unexpectedly in present moments. A safe relationship actually enables us to see ourselves and our pain clearly.

Research shows that our memories and emotions are stored in our protein dendrites in the brain and released into our body via biochemical reactions or feelings when we are “triggered.”

The body responds with a release of glucocorticoids and epinephrine when we become consciously aware of an unresolved painful past memory.

Usually, we feel out of control, so we repress the memory, or we “overreact” to the current scenario. Kind of like when I step on a lego. My foot nerve endings are saying, “STOP, or you will have some serious damage here!” 

Emotional pain is saying the same thing - STOP! There is emotional damage here that needs attention! If we will choose to identify the hurt, we can process it and heal.

Unresolved pain has not come back to haunt you but to heal you. And your relationship can be both the catalyst and the balm for that healing. 

So, next time you feel flooded with emotion when something in your relationship might be triggering a painful experience from the past, take a deep breath and follow these steps as you write out your responses.

1. Identify the EVENT.
2. Identify your PERCEPTION.
3. Identify your FEELINGS.
4. Identify your underlying BELIEF.
5. Identify your PATTERN OF BEHAVIOR.

Share your responses with your spouse and specifically ask for what you need.

The hard truth is we are most wounded in relationships, but we are also healed the most in safe, loving relationships.

Love and support will help us change fear-based perceptions, untrue beliefs, and ineffective behaviors.

If you understand how the PAST impacts the PRESENT, you will gain the power to shape your FUTURE! 

PRO TIP: Pick up the Legos in the light of day, every day. Seriously. Your welcome.