"I want you to want me..."

Are you familiar with the song lyrics, “I want you to want me, I need you to need me?”

Isn't it true that we all want to be wanted?

Do you know that most couples don’t talk about sex directly and openly? Couples often cue one another non-verbally when they want to have sex. 

Unfortunately, this leaves room for some serious miscommunication that can leave one or the other feeling unwanted or flat out rejected.

Attachment research reveals when couples report feeling safe, supported, and emotionally understood, they report more fulfilling sex lives.

Yes, you heard that right. A strong and heathy emotional connection is primary and sex is an overflow or expression of our love for one another.

A growing, healthy marriage needs a deep connection on every level expressed in a healthy sex life. 

So, how do we pursue one another in the bedroom, or you know, wherever you like to “connect?”   

Communicate with one another specifically what you need to feel desired, loved, and connected.

Be courageous enough to share your needs and it will be so much easier to experience the connection you desire.

Sexual fulfillment is about fully showing up and expressing with our bodies what is true in our hearts and lives. 

You possess the ability as a couple, to communicate without words a unique, congruent message of love that is passionate and powerful as it authentically strengthens your bond. 

With sex, you both are communicating:

-I love and desire you. 

-I want to meet your needs. 

-I want to see, know, and experience you, emotionally and physically.

-I care about your feelings both emotional and physical.

-There is no one like you and we are connected in a way that I share only with you.

-I want to be close and connected to you.

-I am fully present and I want to be close to you.

So, how often is enough, you might ask? 

Well, each couple is unique. Like many things in life, it’s not about comparison or competition. 

Research shows that even though frequency of sexual encounters tends to go down over time, married couples report more fulfilling sex lives and higher relationship satisfaction than non-married couples.

However, just for reference sake, studies have also found that most couples have sex once a week, and couples who had sex less than once a week reported greater dissatisfaction in their marriage.

Don't get hung up on quantity, but talk through what is best for both of you. Communicate about your needs and show up fully in the honest expression of your love.

It can become a real challenge to have sex regularly especially if you have young children. Sometimes, the challenge can add some novelty and excitement. You have to get really creative! Other times, it’s just plain exhausting to even think about.

But even if we don't have time or energy, a genuine compliment or communicating desire for the other is fuel that can make a passionate encounter happen sooner rather than later. And it communicates to your partner that he or she is wanted!

If you are experiencing a disconnect in this area of your relationship, there could be many potential reasons and thoughtful tips. 

Here are some basic tips:

-Start with a conversation about how you are feeling about your current sex life.

-Plan sex (it might sound unromantic but it is an active pursuit of the one you love and actually provides time and space for romance and passion to happen).

-Deal with past hurt and work through forgiveness for issues big and small.

-Get help from a medical doctor for any and all health issues. Stress can lower your sex drive, so take all health issues, even chronic stress, seriously and take care of yourself!

-Talk through or attend counseling to deal with body shame or past trauma.

-Put away phones and devices (phones reduce the attention and energy we need for passionate connection).

And let’s just be clear about one thing, so there is no miscommunication. Sex is about mutual consent, bonding and deepening intimacy. 

No matter where you are in your marriage, you can take a step toward one another in communicating your need of and desire for one another. 

So, connect with one another by pursue one another in love. 

We promise, you will both be glad you did!