Join Our FREE Connection Challenge!

How to have the perfect marriage.

Uncategorized Mar 15, 2021

Perfection! 

Some things are just perfect such as a well-written novel, a sunset, hot morning coffee, and time with those you love.

I bet you could name a few things in your life that are pure perfection

But in over 20 years as a therapist, and an undisclosed number of years as a human being, I have never met a perfect person. 

Have you? 

Didn’t think so. 

And you know what? 

Trying, or just plain pretending (I do this sometimes) to be perfect, or spending time depressed because you are not perfect (I do this one more often), steals so much time, energy and joy.

What if we stop striving for perfection and rest into perfect love?

Love is perfect because love helps us RECONNECT through REPAIR when there has been a disconnection (or...what we call in therapy, a relationship RUPTURE).

We all need repair because we all are imperfect and make mistakes. 

Join the club. 

We are all human.

So, if there are no perfect humans, as you might suspect, there are no perfect marriages either. 

In marriage, as in life, we are going to make mistakes and sometimes hurt one another.

Hurt leads to emotional distance because we naturally protect ourselves by RETREATING or RETALIATING. When we retreat or retaliate, we hurt the one we love, which can get us stuck in a pretty bad cycle of disconnection.

So, we need an emotional repair process in order to safely reconnect with each other.

I’m sure you’ve experienced the cycle of disconnection maybe once or twice. 

But instead of staying stuck, we can intentionally create understanding and safety that leads to REPAIR when hurts occur.

So what is the very best way to REPAIR

If you have been hurt, state the situation clearly without blaming, shaming, or name calling. 

Here’s an example that’s just totally random and has nothing to do with our relationship:  “I feel alone in doing all the chores when you don’t follow through with your part.”

  • REFLECT what you hear by restating the heart of what is being communicated. Example: “I hear you saying that when I forgot to do my chores, you felt alone.”

 

  • REASSURE your partner of your love. Example: “I don’t want you to feel alone. I want to communicate that you are important to me.”

 

  • REMORSE show remorse for any damage done, even if you did not intend harm. Example: “I want you to feel supported by me and I am sorry I neglected to do my part. I can understand how alone you feel when I don’t follow through with my part of the chores.”

 

  • RESTRUCTURE your thinking and behavior by making a plan and taking a new path. Example: “I will put a reminder in my phone with daily chores so it becomes a habit. I want you to feel supported and want you to be able to depend on me.”

 

  • RECONNECT with physical and verbal affection. Example: Give your partner a hug or kiss and say, “I love you and I want you to feel supported by me.”

Both of you will make mistakes in life and marriage. Sometimes we hurt one another without even meaning to, so we need to learn how to make repairs. 

Without repair, disconnection can grow and can lead to bigger problems.

Don’t turn away from the hurt you see in the one you love.

Your challenge is to turn toward one another in repair.

Repair is the path to reconnection!

And remember, look for perfection in a sunset, not in yourself (or your spouse). 

Repair is hard no doubt, but remember that repair leads to reconnecting with the one you love and what could be more perfect than that?

Close

Don't Miss Out

Join our list to stay up to date with new blog posts!