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It's not about the fingernail clippers!

Uncategorized Apr 13, 2021

Do you ever find yourselves as a couple getting upset over something seemingly trivial, and the next thing you know you’re in a full-blown argument wondering how in the world you got there?

We had that happen to us recently.

It was over fingernail clippers. Seriously? Yes, fingernail clippers.

But as you can guess, it was not REALLY about the fingernail clippers. I'll explain.

I (Jeff) am the kind of person who likes for certain things to remain in the same place, so I can easily find them when I need them. Fingernail clippers are one of those things, and I always keep them in the medicine cabinet. Now, it’s happened on occasion that I’ve opened the cabinet to discover the clippers were not where they belong.

I had expressed my frustration with this previously, so when I went to get the nail clippers on this particular occasion, and they were not there, I kindly asked Jessica where I might find them. 

You know that’s a lie, right? I didn’t ask kindly. I asked with clear irritation and disapproval in my tone. My wife, understandably so, didn’t care for my tone. She felt judged and criticized, and she became defensive. Things quickly went downhill from there. 

And you know what? The argument followed a very predictable pattern. The content changes, but the pattern is the same. I show irritation, and Jessica becomes defensive because she feels personally attacked. Then, I become more upset that she is now upset with me and I withdraw. She becomes further upset because I’ve shut down.

You get the picture.

Any of this sound familiar?

Your pattern might look a little different, but trust me, you have one too. Every couple has one!

It’s been called the anger dance, the conflict cycle, or other names by different psychologists and authors, and every couple has its own unique cycle. We like to call it the Self-Protection Cycle because it gets to the root of what we are really doing in these moments - protecting ourselves from emotional injury or harm. 

The Self-Protection Cycle is the reason why a simple glance, remark, or tone of voice can quickly devolve into an argument, increased anger, or withdrawal. Whatever your particular actions are when you drop into your cycle, the self-protection leads to disconnection. 

For many years early in our marriage when we fell into our cycle, we could stay feeling disconnected for days on end, and we are both mental health professionals! Over time, as we came to understand our unique cycle, our triggers, our individual responses to those triggers, and our feelings in the moment,  we were able to stop the Self-Protection Cycle. Sometimes, we can even catch ourselves before falling into it, but nobody’s perfect! Certainly not me! 

Every couple has its own unique triggers, responses, and emotional fallout, which can lead to intense fighting or disconnection for hours, days, weeks, or even months. It’s so important to understand your Self-Protection Cycle in order to stop fighting each other and start finding one another when disagreements arise.

So, your first step is to: 

  1. Be aware of your cycle as a couple. Ours is blame/defend, if you couldn’t tell. 
  2. Recognize when you fall into your cycle. It is simple but that does not mean it is always easy. 
  3. Call out your cycle together. Rather than blaming, take responsibility for your part. 

By unveiling your own pattern, you will be able to stop fighting and start finding one another. Because as you unveil your own cycle as a couple, you will find, as we did, that it has never been about the fingernail clippers. It's about understanding the process that drives you into disconnection.

And now, it can be about you again, both of you, moving toward one another, rather than being driven further apart during conflict.

As you stop fighting, you will find each other, find the love, and perhaps even find the fingernail clippers in the process, without all the anger and drama!

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