Who is to blame for the problems in your marriage?

Who is to blame for the problems in your marriage?

Hint: It is not you! 

Relieved, right?

SPOILER ALERT! Your spouse is not to blame either! 

(...maybe this one is harder to hear, so read that again, slower now...)

The problem is NOT your spouse. I made you read it again because we all need to hear that one twice.

Now you’re thinking, "Really? Because that doesn't leave anyone to blame."

I love a good blame game too, but only if I am the one blaming. Am I right?

The truth is, neither of you is to blame. Actually, this is where you want to begin - together and on the same team, fighting THE REAL BAD GUY!

So, you might be wondering, “WHO IS THE BAD GUY?”

Disconnection is the bad guy. 

I mean, disconnection is a terrible, super-villain, really scary, bad guy. 

Disconnection causes the human fear-brain to light up like a firecracker because we are wired for deep connection. Studies show that disconnection actually registers in the brain the same way as physical pain. Ouch!

The Point -  Emotional disconnection is real and causes us actual pain! 

So, here is a BIG mindset shift coming for all of you who have believed that emotions are made up and aren’t real. Emotions are real and take up actual real-estate in your brain in the form of memory dendrites. So, let's all say a big thanks to validated and reliable cognitive neuroscience research!!! 

Isn’t science amazing?

And of course, when humans are in pain, we do some pretty bad things to show others we are not okay with the state of disconnection. We might emotionally withdraw and punish our spouse with our absence. Or, we might attack our spouse by blaming, shaming, or name-calling and saying really hurtful things.

Sometimes, we don’t even know we are in pain because all we feel is anger, so we assume that the other person just needs to stop making us so angry! Thus, the blame game continues, and the behavior of our spouse continues to be the perceived problem.

So now you know, blaming your partner for being the bad guy is not going to cut it. 

But, don’t despair because the good news has been uncovered. We now have discovered through cognitive neuroscience and relationship research a strategy to uncover your specific cycle.

Once you stop blaming each other for the problem, YOU CAN come together as a team and find out your very own unique and mysterious cycle of disconnection. 

You are not alone. Everyone has a cycle of disconnection, and we all stay stuck in our cycle and can’t stop it unless we recognize our cycle in real time! 

The key is to first slow down your cycle of disconnection and identify the actual problem. Both of you can stand together and fight for one another and for your relationship.

When you start to blame one another, catch it and call it out together. 

Remember, you are not the bad guy and your spouse is not the bad guy. 

Together, you can fight the invisible BAD GUY of disconnection.  

Stop blaming and identify the cycle of disconnection that is disconnecting you both. 

Rather than fighting with one another, you will find yourselves standing together, and fighting FOR one another!