How to win every fight.

A lot of people say they love a good fight, but I (Jessica) have a hard time watching a boxing match. 

Anyone else with me on this one? 

The punching, the blood, the bruising. It is too much for me.

I don’t like any of it because I seem to “feel” every well-placed blow. 

I can’t imaging choosing to get in the ring just to get my face pummeled. And believe me, I would get beaten. Beaten down, beaten up, and just plain beaten. 

It would be bad. 

I am NOT a good fighter.

It is true in our marriage as well. 

I hate to fight, and I find myself often like a deer in headlights. I panic, and my head goes blank. 

We all have a way of arguing, fighting, and trying to win the emotional boxing matches that occur in marriage.

Sometimes, we deal illegal, below-the-belt blows. You know what I’m talking about. We might name call, blame, or shame. 

And why is it that we FIGHT the MOST with the ones we LOVE the MOST?

It’s true for us all. So don’t feel alone. 

BUT, as you might realize, fighting often leaves us feeling hurt and all alone. 

What if we could disagree differently so that an argument or disagreement didn’t have to hurt and isolate us?

Usually, when we are feeling threatened, we are quick to judge and find fault with others.

Our fear brain gets activated because we often associate danger with an opposing opinion. We then respond in defensiveness, anger, or even withdrawal. 

Because we are wired to protect ourselves from danger, when our fear brain activates, a fight often follows - you know, the old freeze, flee, or fight mechanism.

It’s therefore important to deactivate the fear brain when this happens in order for meaningful dialogue to occur. 

HOW?

Be aware of what's happening in the moment.

Then, slow down, breathe, and remind yourself that you are safe. 

You and your spouse can both create a safe environment in your marriage by seeking to understand and communicating love. 

Disagreements don’t have to become an all-out boxing match! 

And what a relief it is to know that we don’t have to land a well-placed emotional punch to get our point across! 

Try following these steps to better talk through political differences, disagreements, or marital issues that might feel threatening to you.

-LEAN IN to understand the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of your spouse. 

-LISTEN by reflecting what you hear and asking questions if you don’t understand. 

-LEARN something new about your spouse by slowing down and taking in new information rather than staying stuck in your assumptions.

-LOVE one other by showing humility and compassion as you take the time to communicate how much you care.

REMEMBER, you don’t have to AGREE to be close (lean in), to feel heard (listen), and discover new things about the one you love (learn).

And the best part of it all is no one gets hurt, knocked out cold, or loses any teeth (or gets an ear bitten off)!

Boxing is a brutal sport, but your marriage doesn’t have to be. 

I can see it now. 

Both of you raising your hands together at the end of the fight and declaring your marriage as the big winner.